she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
