Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
