Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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