just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
