Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
