Small penises have feelings too.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
