He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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