dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
