she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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