Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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