I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
