now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
