I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
