I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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