My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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