broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
