I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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