Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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