woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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