I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
