When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
