giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You're breaking my sexual little heart
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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