I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
