This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
