Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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