walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
