I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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