if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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