Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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