i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
this is an emotional support booty call
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
