Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
