remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
