you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
