you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
