If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
