I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
