I think I won the penis lottery.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
