Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
