The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We just shotgunned beers for America
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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