After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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