Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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