I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
