when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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