the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize