someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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