New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
its liver damage thursday
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
