i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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