he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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