I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
