I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
